Here we go...

For many years I had a hole in my heart and a dream that never seemed to be within reach. There was one thing that I always wanted more than anything, and that was to be a mother. As the years stretched on as a single person a lot of patience and endurance was worked into my heart. As I approached my 40th birthday the sadness about not having a child began to feel unbearable. For a year or two I had a constant feeling of an hourglass with the time running out and a sun setting. Those two pictures were looming in my heart and mind at all times. Even if I were to meet someone and get married, by the time that all happened it would be too late. While out to lunch with a friend one day I shared this overwhelming sadness. She asked me if I had ever considered adoption. I was stunned. That sounded preposterous to me. How could I as a single woman ever manage to do such a thing? But a seed was planted there and it began to grow.
At that time I also felt a heightened conviction about two issues that had plagued me for years…fear and unbelief. I had no problem believing that God loved other people and would do wonderful things for them, but I really couldn’t get it from my head into my heart that He felt that way about me. I knew that faith pleases God and that doubt and unbelief offend Him, and yet I couldn’t seem to rid myself of these. I didn’t understand why God would bless others and never seemed to answer my deepest prayers. Many times I asked leaders if they could see anything wrong in my life that would keep me from experiencing God’s blessing, and they told me in tears that they really didn’t understand why God had me in the place that He did. The pathway that was opening up before me would free me from these bondages and answer the questions in my heart.