Reflections of a New Mom

Well this is probably going to be pretty sappy, but I can't help myself. I am so in love with my baby that my heart is ready to burst. This has been the most wonderful time of my life and I am just savoring every moment. It is very hard for me to let her go to sleep, and I have to force myself to get things done during that time because I want to just sit and stare at her, which I do plenty of. I can't believe all the obstacles that got in the way of me coming to her, but I just thank God every moment that I made it. I cannot fathom what I would have missed and lost if I had given up along the way. Part of me feels this strange need to try to hide her and not let anyone here see how wonderful and adorable she is because they would all want to keep her. I keep thinking that someone didn't realize that she is the crown jewel of China and now I am leaving the country with her. They have no clue the great treasure I am leaving with, my Bao Bei!
She has been really sick for a few days with bronchitis and I hate hearing her struggle to breathe with all the phlem and the rattle in her tiny little rib cage. The clinic here in the hotel has been very good and they are giving her special antibiotics and expectorants. She is so incredibly good natured. She loves and appreciates everything and is delighted with anything from a straw to a cracker. If I need to talk to someone or am shopping she just waits happily. She is acting a lot younger that she is. When I first got her she was like a wet noodle and just stayed laying wherever I plopped her. As she has gotten over the grieving and the sheer terror that she must have felt, she has come out of her shell. There were many things I wasn't sure if she could do or not, such as getting from laying to sitting by herself, sitting to standing, and walking. She can do all these things but really wants to be treated like a baby for now, and that is fine with me because that phase will be over all to soon. In the playroom I challenge her a little just so that I can see what she can do. I will crawl away and she will crawl after me. She likes to be right near me at all times. She likes to get in the little baby swing and suck her three knuckles. She sees all the other toddlers running around and drinks it all in with her eyes, but she isn't ready yet emotionally. Everyday she shows me a little more of what she is really capable of, but I secretly am enjoying her baby mode too and love carrying her around. We learn new things everyday. She had never eaten before, bottle only. We began with Gerber fruit puffs that melt in your mouth and went on from there. She learned how to swallow, and then how to chew. After a few days she began putting the food in her mouth herself and loves everything I give her. Now we are working on not stuffing to much in her mouth. She only weighs 21 lbs at 18 months. At first she didn't touch her bottle, I held it all the time and wept inside that no one had ever done that for her. One day while I was getting things ready she grabbed her bottle and held it in her mouth, like she always had to do at the orphanage, but she much prefers me to do it. The first time I fed her she tried to look away and was avoiding eye contact that first day, so I decided I would only hold the bottle where she had to look in my eyes, now she loves that. She looks at me all the time the way I look at her, like "I can't believe my good fortune that I have you." She is just drinking in the love and plumping up like a sponge. I will tell you all the heartbreak of the orphanage later, but on the trip back from there she really began to come alive. She began giggling and playing with me and went on for hours. We were mimicking and mirroring each other and she thought that was so funny. She waved bye-bye for the first time and seemed as amazed that her arm and hand could do that as I was. She loves being tickled, bounced on my knee and lowered back. She is in awe of This Little Piggy and Patty Cake. The day I got her she was very stinky and had never had a real bath. She still has dirt caked in her ears that I haven't gotten out yet. I tried to set her on the counterand do a sponge bath with the sink. She was terrified and screamed. The next day I got into the bath tub with her and it was still pretty traumatic. The next time she cried at first but then slowly stuck one pinky out to touch the bubbles and stacking cups. She tried to act like she was still afraid but I could tell she was starting to love it. Today she was so happy to play with her cups. We only use them in the bath so that is a special treat. She still doesn't like me rinsing her hair, but I think it's because I need to improve my technique. I had been just dumping cups of water on her head, today I tried leaning her back at the suggestion of another mom, and that was better but I still have room for lots of improvement. I really felt like a mom while crawling around her crib at night trimming her finger and toenails as she slept. It seemed like I should receive some kind of new mom badge I earned. I was so afraid to clip her skin and couldn't really see that well, but thankfully I did not hurt her. I've also been consulting with moms about medicine administration techniques. It was a lot easier the time I got another gal to help me, but most of the time I am trying to pin her down by myself. We both end up covered in pink syrup which really isn't a problem because it looks and smells better than all the other food that is now on my clothes all the time. I am always thinking she won't forgive me after these episodes but as soon as it's over she is happy with me again. I have not succeeded in brushing her teeth and without heavy equipment there is no way to pry her mouth open. I am open to all input and really want to get going on this. Hopefully the pediatric dentist can help me. Because she's been on the bottle all this time and never had her teeth wiped off they bleed the first time I tried. They are very cute little white teeth. I thought she had an underbite at the first few days, but it was part of the tears and sticking her lower jaw out.
Some of you knew the dire warnings I was given about her after my referral. They couldn't have been further from the truth. She is so smart! I now see why the orphanage described her as clever. All the agony I had over her cognitive abilities should have been energy better directed on how to keep up with a bright child. I think when her personality is fully unleashed she will be giving mommy a real run for her money. She's already as sharp as a tack and voraciously acquiring new tricks. The orphanage did tell me that she doesn't talk yet, just baby talk. She has the sweetest little oohs and ahhs you've ever heard. It's my favorite sound in the whole world. The other day while in a very good post tylenol dose mood she wispered Zhuozhuo to herself and then Gene said hello to her and she said hello back. It was so cute! I haven't heard any other words yet but we play silly sound games back and forth with each other all the time. Again, it's just fine with me to let this unfold slowy because I just delight in every new step and don't want it to happen to fast, let's drag the fun out as long as we can. I haven't called her Abbey yet and really don't know when I will. She likes her name ZZ and responds to it and I love it too. We can add Abbey on later but we both like her sweet little name. It's pronounced j-wa j-wa. It is unusal and very elegant. It means outstanding or excellent. She has huge eyes for a Chinese baby. Her lashes are so beautiful it looks like she has on eye-liner. Okay, enough! I am sure you all are sick of hearing me brag about my baby, I am a lost cause. I wish I could post all the adorable pictures but I don't know how to use this Mac laptop and Gene went to Hong Kong for a few days. Once we get home and get our nights and days turned around I will go back and post things from the trip that I haven't had time to write about and give you tons of photos. It takes about 30 minutes here to get 4 photos up and all the best ones are on Gene's equipment, not mine.
With a heart of thanksgiving like never before, Thank you God for my baby girl!!