Miss Abbey

Many of you have contacted me and asked about what is going on. Between floods, kidney stones, and a massive migraine Sunday and Monday, it's been all I could do to get through work and my other responsibilities. I think I am through the hard parts and the rest of my week should be easier.
Last Monday we were working on getting a CT scan for Abbey. As things unfolded it became clear that we would need to get permission from the CCAA before we did this. We had originally hoped it could be done quietly. After some initial emails to get the process started I had a little panic attack. I got really overwhelmed with the thought that Abbey could be withdrawn from the adoption process. I quickly decided that was risk I was not willing to take. I began to feel like the CT was sort of like an amniocentices. If I know this is my daughter then why does it matter now what issues there may or may not be? I also felt very badly at the thought of her being on a train for 3 1/2 hours each way and then undergoing a proceedure like that without me. We will just do whatever we need to do here. This has been an agonizing process for me. It's not something I could decide in a split second. It's something I've had to work through, and I am still doing that. We sang a song at church Sunday that says "with troubles and fears so near me" and that is exactly where I've been, facing huge fears. In the last few days I've been reminded that if I could see things as they really are, God has much more power surrounding me and these fears are gonna have to go. The fear of not having her in my life was much worse than the worries about all the medical concerns. I just got to the point where I told the Lord, I would rather have this child, come what may, than have any other baby. No one else could fill that place that is in my heart for her now.